There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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