I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
