don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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