My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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