ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
