Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
