we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
