Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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