Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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