I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
People in love make me want to vomit
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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