Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
