dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
