Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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