my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
