wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
