please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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