bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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