Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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