why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
