I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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