I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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