Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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