i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
