he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
