I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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