Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
