I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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