Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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