I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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