Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
