I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
