WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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