I can text with my tongue
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
