I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
