its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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