new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
