Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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