You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I didn't notice because vodka
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
