It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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