Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
