yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
