and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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