if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
