I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My feet surprised me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He has the fingertips of a God
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