Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
