Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
