he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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