Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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