I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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