I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
