life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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