There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
