she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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