Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
