Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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