Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
