I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
