My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
