I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
