I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
