I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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