My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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