Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
