how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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