I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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