if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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